They called me the devil. ……I`m not the devil.
I wasn`t evil or bad. …I just want understood by anyone, normal, known, and I wasnt…. what they wanted me to be: Dead.
….As long as I lived….
Never mind. But I lived. That was a problem. I don`t know why. It just was a problem…. I don`t know why. Everything was a problem: Everything I did. everything I was. I. The. Problem…. Tortured, they tried to kill me.. in every way, all the time. I survived…. They said… Not dead. They said An ANGEL. They said Impossible!!!!! … They said… the only thing that would survive.. who was somebody like me… who they hated.. and abused.. well, i must be the devil or an Angel, but i was meant to die. Thing is i would not let them win.. I would only let God take my life. And God did out of mercy.. because God loved me. I was Holy, and a servant.. of God.. I worship God.. I love God.
They hated God.. they did not believe.. they hated me.
Never will i know why I was there. Who put me there?! ….. The ones calling me the devil. ….Thats all I know and … Its useless and worthless questioning it now.
Its always been useless and worhtless questioning it because one is never meant to focus on anything bad.. only what is Good and Holy in Gods name.
I loved to read The Holy Bible and Scriptuers of all kinds… Everything I ever wrote, I wrote in prayer to God.
They didn`t…. care. Why would they?
they never knew what I was doing online and they never asked. They never knew… they never asked.. so they told me.. it was wrong, illegal… Simply because… They didnt know and i didnt tell them. Nobody asked me my name. Nobody spoke to me. Nothing I have ever done in my life.. has ever been known by anybody. ….It still never will be. I am still hiding it: Its nothing of a sin… perhaps its too great a miracle… to powerful and glorifying God… That nobody could cope with what I have to send, but God saved my life.
…. Suddenly… I woke up in h0opsital… a week later… “Did you want to die?!” they ask me, smiling… I say nothing: Silence… they laugh at me… say, “whatever you are thinking.. SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
…. I look away…. Silent…. Its not a hosital… its not a hospital. ….I escape. Acid in my vains…. it burns and it hurts.
I ask God why did I live… I TRY again.
I TRY again… I TRY, for one minute more. “Fucking hell you stupid like idiotic little shit, die or shut up, satan..”
…. I sit here… I have no cigarettes… I gave them all away to those who had none… I ask for one… They don`t reply… I look away.. Okay. Sorry…
….They pass me over one.. and say, “SHUT UP.” and walk away… I say I can give them money… “SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
…..and I beg God to take my life again. ….I`m not allowed to talk.
So I don`t.